Therapeutic Fibbing: Is It Ever Okay to Lie to Someone With Dementia?
- shawneecanjura
- Jun 29
- 4 min read
TL;DR
Therapeutic fibbing is the intentional use of a harmless, compassionate untruth to reduce distress—not manipulate someone with dementia.
It may be appropriate when telling the literal truth repeatedly causes fear, grief, or agitation without improving understanding.
The best therapeutic fibs focus on providing reassurance, comfort, or redirecting attention.
Humor can sometimes accomplish the same goal while creating moments of genuine connection.
The goal isn't to win an argument—it's to help your loved one feel safe.
If you're struggling with communications strategies with your loved one you don't have to figure it out on your own
One of the first lessons many caregivers learn is that logic doesn't always work with dementia.
You explain.
You reason.
You gently correct.
You provide proof.
And somehow, the conversation still circles back to the exact same place.
This leaves many caregivers wondering:
"Is it ever okay to lie to someone with dementia?"
It's a question that makes many people uncomfortable.
After all, most of us have spent our lives believing honesty is always the right choice.
But dementia caregiving often asks us to rethink rules that once seemed simple.
The goal isn't to deceive someone for your own benefit.
The goal is to reduce unnecessary fear, distress, and suffering when the brain can no longer process reality in the same way it once did.
What Is Therapeutic Fibbing?
Therapeutic fibbing is the practice of responding in a way that prioritizes a person's emotional reality over objective facts.
For example, imagine someone with dementia asks:
"When is my mother coming to pick me up?"
If their mother passed away thirty years ago, repeatedly reminding them of her death may force them to relive that grief over and over again.
Instead, a caregiver might respond:
"She knows you're safe, and she'll be happy to know you're being well taken care of."
The response isn't meant to deceive.
It's meant to comfort.
Isn't That Lying?
Technically, yes.
But context matters.
If someone asked you where your birthday present was hidden, you might not tell them.
If a four-year-old proudly served you imaginary soup, you'd probably pretend to enjoy it.
Most of us already adjust our communication based on another person's ability to understand a situation.
Dementia is no different.
The question isn't:
"Is this technically true?"
The better question is:
When the Truth Can Become Harmful
Imagine telling someone their spouse has died.
Now imagine having to tell them again.
And again.
And again.
Twenty times in one afternoon.
Each time, they experience the grief as though hearing it for the very first time.
In situations like these, repeatedly insisting on literal truth may not be the most compassionate choice.
Humor Can Sometimes Be Even Better
Sometimes you don't need a lie at all.
Sometimes you simply need a smile.
A Fictional Example
Imagine a woman with dementia who asks every morning:
"Has the newspaper arrived yet?"
Her daughter could answer:
"No."
Every two minutes.
For an hour.
Instead, one morning she grins and says:
"Not yet. I think the squirrels have started reading it before we do."
Her mother laughs.
A few minutes later she asks again.
This time the answer is:
"The delivery driver got distracted chasing an ice cream truck."
Another laugh.
Nothing about her dementia has changed.
But the emotional tone of the morning has.
Instead of becoming trapped in a frustrating cycle of repetition and correction, they've created small moments of joy together.
Humor won't work in every situation.
But when it does, it can interrupt anxiety, reduce tension, and remind both caregiver and loved one that there is still room for laughter.
When Therapeutic Fibbing Is Appropriate
It may be reasonable when:
The truth repeatedly causes significant distress.
The person cannot retain new information because of dementia.
Correcting them creates arguments without improving understanding.
Your goal is comfort rather than factual accuracy.
When It Isn't Appropriate
Therapeutic fibbing should never be used to:
Manipulate someone for your own convenience.
Take away a person's rights to happiness, safety and comfort.
Avoid difficult conversations with someone who is still capable of understanding them.
When possible, preserving honesty and autonomy should remain the goal.
But dementia sometimes changes what is possible.
A Better Question to Ask
Instead of asking:
"Is this a lie?"
Try asking:
"What does my loved one need right now?"
Do they need information?
Or do they need reassurance?
Often, the answer is reassurance.
You Don't Have to Figure This Out Alone
Communication is one of the most challenging parts of dementia caregiving, and there is rarely a single "right" response for every situation.
If you're struggling with repetitive questions, arguments, refusal of care, or wondering how to respond compassionately without increasing distress, you're not alone.
Through nationwide dementia caregiver coaching, I help families develop practical communication strategies that reduce conflict, preserve dignity, and create more moments of connection.
Take the First Step: Book A Caregiver Call Today
Sometimes changing the conversation changes far more than the conversation itself.
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