The Power of "Yes, And": One of the Most Effective Communication Strategies in Dementia Care
- shawneecanjura
- Jun 29
- 4 min read
TL;DR
"Yes, and..." means accepting your loved one's emotional reality instead of arguing with it.
You don't have to agree with false facts—you simply avoid creating unnecessary conflict.
After validating what they're saying, gently redirect the conversation toward something comforting or enjoyable.
This technique often reduces arguments, preserves trust, and makes daily interactions much more pleasant.
The goal isn't to prove who's right. The goal is to help your loved one feel safe.
If you've ever found yourself in an argument with someone living with dementia, chances are you were trying to do the right thing.
You were trying to explain.
Trying to reassure.
Trying to correct.
Trying to bring them back to reality.
Unfortunately, reality isn't always where their brain is anymore.
One of the biggest communication breakthroughs I experienced while caring for my mom came when I stopped asking,
"How do I convince her she's wrong?"
and started asking,
"How do I keep the conversation moving without causing distress?"
One surprisingly powerful technique comes from an unlikely place: improvisational comedy.
It's called "Yes, and..."
What Is "Yes, And"?
In improv comedy, performers build scenes by accepting what another actor says and adding to it.
If one actor says,
"We're astronauts on Mars."
The other actor doesn't respond,
"No we're not."
They say,
"Yes! And we forgot the sandwiches."
The scene continues.
No one gets stuck arguing about reality.
Oddly enough, this works beautifully in dementia caregiving.
Why Arguing Usually Makes Things Worse
Imagine your mom says:
"I need to go see my mother."
You respond:
"Mom... Grandma died thirty years ago."
What usually happens?
Confusion.
Sadness.
Anger.
Or...
Five minutes later...
She asks again.
Because the problem wasn't that she lacked information.
The problem was that her brain was operating from a different reality.
Try "Yes, And..."
Instead of correcting, try entering their reality just enough to keep the conversation moving.
For example:
"Yes, we'll go see your mom and first let's watch this movie together."
Or:
"Yes, absolutely and let's have some lunch before we leave."
Or:
"Yes, and she'll be happy to know you're warm and comfortable while we drive, let's pack some warm clothes."
Notice what you're doing.
You're not arguing.
You're not forcing them to relive painful news.
You're acknowledging what they're feel and gently moving the conversation somewhere safe.
You're Agreeing With the Emotion—Not Necessarily the Facts
This is an important distinction.
Suppose your husband says:
"Someone stole my wallet."
You don't have to respond:
"Yes, someone definitely stole it."
Instead, you might say:
"Oh no, that's terrible. Let's look for it together."
You've agreed with the emotion.
Not the accusation.
The conversation moves forward.
Why This Works
Dementia often affects the brain's ability to update reality using new information.
Correcting someone requires them to:
Understand the correction.
Remember the correction.
Integrate the correction into their understanding of the world.
Let go of the previous belief.
Those are incredibly complex cognitive tasks.
When those abilities become impaired, arguing rarely produces insight.
It usually produces distress.
Validation and gentle redirection ask much less of the brain.
Real-Life Examples
"I Need to Go to Work."
Instead of:
"Dad, you've been retired for twenty years."
Try:
"Yes, you've always been such a hard worker... and today they're sending a car to pick you up"
"Where Are My Children?"
Instead of:
"Mom, your kids are adults, we're all here."
Try:
"They're doing well... and they'll be happy to know you're thinking about them."
"When Are We Going Home?"
Instead of:
"Mom, we ARE home."
Try:
"Yes, we'll head home soon. Let's finish our tea first."
One Word Can Change Everything
Notice the second word:
And.
Not:
"But..."
"But" tells the brain:
You're wrong.
"And" tells the brain:
I'm with you.
That tiny change can completely transform the tone of a conversation.
But What If It Feels Like Lying?
Many caregivers struggle with this.
Most of us were raised to believe honesty is always the best policy.
But dementia changes the question.
Instead of asking:
"Is this perfectly accurate?"
Try asking:
"Is this helping?"
If repeatedly correcting someone causes fear, grief, or confusion without changing the outcome, a compassionate response may be kinder than a perfectly factual one.
This approach is often referred to as therapeutic fibbing, but I think of it a little differently.
You're not trying to fool your loved one.
You're trying to make it possible for them to feel safe in their reality.
You Don't Have to Figure This Out Alone
Learning to communicate differently doesn't happen overnight.
It takes practice.
It takes patience.
And sometimes it takes someone helping you see the situation from a completely different perspective.
Through nationwide dementia caregiver coaching, I help caregivers develop practical communication strategies that reduce conflict, preserve dignity, and make everyday interactions feel less exhausting.
Sometimes the goal isn't changing your loved one's reality.
Sometimes it's simply learning how to join them there long enough to help them feel safe.
Take the first step, book a free caregiver coaching call today
Continue Learning
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