5 Tips For Handling Arguments With Alzheimer's Patients

Shawnee Canjura, The Dementia Doula

One of the hardest parts of being a caregiver or loved one to a person with Alzheimer's is de-escalating situations. It's hard to keep them calm and sometimes it's even harder to keep yourself calm but that's exactly what is needed in order to prevent the argument from turning into an angry or violent outburst. Read below for some of the top techniques for preventing or de-escalating arguments with someone with Alzheimer's.

1. Be their ally

   The most effective way to handle arguments with Alzheimer's patients is to be 'one of the good guys' in their view. Telling them they are wrong for any reason, even if you explain it as patiently as possible, will not help. Instead of being the person who is 'working against them', become their friend who wants to help. For example, If they don't want to go to the doctors, say 'I agree, I don't like this doctor either. Let's go in there and tell them you don't need a doctor anymore'.
   

2. Create a diversion

   If you need them to prevent them from doing something or going somewhere, put up a simple roadblock. Create an understandable reason why something else has to happen first. For example, if they want to go for a walk in the middle of the night, say 'Sounds fun, let's do it! It's pretty dark out, can you help me find a flashlight?'
   

3. Be understanding

   They are not being stubborn or selfish, they simply cannot grasp the reality of the situation. Even in Mild Cognitive Impairment, which is the first phase of Alzheimer's, they will experience anosognosia, which is the literal inability to understand their own impairment. This doesn't mean you shouldn't be frustrated but the sooner you can understand that they are not doing this on purpose, the sooner you can find your own inner calm.
   

4. Walk away

   Sometimes there is nothing better we can do than to walk away. Even when you are able to remain calm, the person with Alzheimer's has 'locked in' to a negative mentality and only by changing the environment can their mind turn to new things. In these cases, all they need is to not see you for 30 minutes to be able to reset their nervous system. And yes, even the best of caregivers loses their cool and needs to step away to reset their own nervous system - frequently. Not only will that help them but it will help YOU and you matter, too.
   

5. Plan for the argument

   Somehow, whenever you're in a hurry, that's exactly when your loved one really drags their feet and refuses to cooperate, right? The rapid build-up of stress and anger in you is a direct result of worrying about being late - and their refusal to cooperate is in direct response to your mounting stress! It's a terrible cycle but it can be helped if we nip the first cause in the bud: worrying about being late.

6. Give yourself plenty of 'distraction time' before any appointment. Need to be somewhere by 30 minutes away by 4pm? Start getting ready at 2:30 to make the trip as carefree as possible. Estimate 30 minutes to get them dressed, 15 minutes to get from the front door to the car, 15 minutes to get from the car to the destination. This way, when they get distracted by something while they're putting on their shoes, you won't urge them to rush, thus avoiding the whole negative cycle.

If you'd like help applying these Alzheimer's caregiver techniques and to connect with someone who's also been an Alzheimer's caregiver and can help, don't hesitate to set-up a free 10 minute introductory call to tell me about your situation and discover if my services would be helpful to you.

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